Star Wars

When I was a kid, I loved Star Wars. It was, (what do kids these days call it, ballin'? the heezey? the bees knees?) anyways, it was the coolest thing ever, even though the 90's was far past SW's prime fanfare. Nerds everywhere rejoiced in the holy scriptures that were episodes IV, V, and VI. But then, the century, and millennium, came to a close. As the new one dawned, it brought forth not a golden light, but a black hole for the world of science fiction.

Now, keep in mind that the rest of this post will be written in the hypothetical, because, as every good SW fan knows, there were only three Star Wars movies made.

In 1999 a Phantom Menaced to bring down the Star Wars empire. It brought forth a dark heresy known by the purest of fans as the unholy trilogy, but this was merely the mark of an ugly, ugly beast. Now, it wasn't really a bad movie. When it cam out, it was pretty cool. And I think most of us have to admit that Darth Maul was pretty badass (Until he got chopped in half by Obi-Wan, that was weak). But I don't think anyone really liked little Anakin. He was a prepubescent whiny little prick with gender-identity issues (he put up with being called Annie, for Pete's sake, and Annie sucks). I chalked this up to him being a dumb kid. But the thing that really killed this movie was all the useless shit that was thrown into the damn thing. No one gives a fuck about your damn Gungans, George Lucas. One more thing: Anakin building C3PO?!? Bullshit.

In 2002, the Attack continued with a Clone of the phantom. I know that all of us were anxious to see if Anakin would be less retarded as teenager...Oh, damn, guess I had to high of expectations for this rotten piece of cinema. More useless droids and bug things, and a ton of stupid-ass clones that couldn't shoot to save their lives.  I think we had all killed that little part of us that hoped that the stupid toy characters would go away, but why did there have to be so many horrendous lines? Oh, and why did all the imperial Stormtroopers turn out to be Jango Fett clones? Bullshit. Jango was probably rolling in his grave when he found out that his clones were so useless with a blaster.

2005 brought the saga's revenge. I don't really have much to say about this one, except that Anakin really should have stopped being such a whiny bitch. I can honestly say that when he was rolling around, on fire, in that ridiculous and poorly thought out lava planet,  that I was happy. It was hilarious. I hated Anakin so much by that point. He was a stupid, poorly fleshed out character and even moor poorly acted.

All his said, I have one thing to say to George Lucas.

STOP MAKING MOVIES ABOUT FUCKING TOYS! STAR WARS IS NOT TOY STORY IN SPACE!

If I wanted to see a poorly told rip-off in space with fancy visuals, I would watch Avatar.

T.I.C.