In Space, no one can hear your airship get unmercifully sucked into the center of the sun.

Greetings to all 5 of my fans!

For your internet reading enjoyment, here is a review on an old Victorian-era board game called A Trip to Mars.

So without further adieu, here it is:

A Trip to Mars... How should I go about describing this game? I could create a fantastic, poetic entry about its gruesome horror, but I think its best introduced by a video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_uOwVg2B79E
"Journey to Mars" by Jan Terry
1994 CD "High Risk." © JT Records

So the game is pretty tragic. Everything about the game's box (visit link) is comforting and inviting. It has a bunch of happy people, an airship, and a smiling sun. What could be more fun than a space adventure to Mars? Well, apparently, just about anything. The board (visit link) opens up to reveal not a with a happy expression, but one of sadness, horror, and torment. It's as if he is self aware that he is trapped in this awful game. Hold on, now that I've looked at the box a second time, the people aren't smiling, they are laughing! Even the box knows how bad this game is! The old lady is waving goodbye, as if she can't wait for you to crash into the sun (She must be your future mother-in-law). And the old guys are laughing, as if to say, "Haha! What dumbfuck for buying this game! Have fun loser!"


Anyways, the game has four concentric rings, and the players start on the third. Their goal, Mars, is on the fourth ring. It doesn't seem so hard to win, right? Well, if you agreed with the previous statement, you are sadly mistaken. Far too many of the spaces send you inward, and everything is done by exact count. A player could overshoot Mars and then die from falling into the Sun a few turns later. The game has far too much luck within it. 


Here are the rules:
1) You start at Earth
2) You win if you get to Mars
3) You die if you hit the sun
4) Roll a dice to move


Sounds fun, right? Just a simple race game, right? 
Wrong.


Here is a summary of gameplay:
Turn1: Move towards mars
Turn2: Move further towards mars
Turn3: You are only one turn away!
Turn4: Some stupid-ass ridiculous shit happens: go to the innermost ring


Damn, I guess that sucks. I was about  to win.


Turn 5: Move to ring two.
Turn 6: Get sent to ring one.
Turn 7: Almost get sucked into sun, get saved by space bear.


Whew! that was close. I almost just got... sucked into the sun? I thought I had a competent airship. Oh, and why am I moving so far around everywhere? How is it possible that I go from mars to the sun in two turns? Thats like, a bunch of light years or something. This, sir, is ridiculous. Good thing that I got saved by a giant, uh, polar bear... in space? Uhh, sure. We'll just call him the magic space bear. Anyways, continue with the game:

Turn 5: Move to ring two.

Turn 6: Get sent to ring one.

Turn 7: Almost get sucked into sun, get saved by space bear.

Turn 8: Move to ring two.

Turn 11: Get sent to ring one.

Turn 12: Almost get sucked into sun, get saved by space bear.

Turn 14: Move to ring two.

Turn 17: Get sent to ring one.

Turn 18: Almost get sucked into sun, get saved by space bear.

Turn 19: Move to ring two.

Turn 20: Get sent to ring one.

Turn 22: Almost get sucked into sun, get saved by space bear.

Turn 25: Move to ring two.

Turn 28: Move to ring three.

HOORRAAAYY!! I have finally made progress!!!!^_^

Turn 19: Get sent to ring one.

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Turn 45: Someone wins game. At this point no one really cares.

You might think I'm exaggerating on this game, but the sad thing is, I'm not. This game is awful. It took a group of four of us around an hour to finish it. One of the neighboring airships decided that he just couldn't take it anymore and he flew his ship straight into the sun. 


The board is small. The main problem here is that all the squares that send you back are positioned just so that your are most probable to hit them coming back from a square that sends you forward a ring. Oh, and one thing that I didn't convey well. Two of the rings, including the sun ring, only have one square that takes you to the next ring. This means that if you miss the that square, you have to spend several turns moving all the way around just to hopefully hit that again. This game is just so awful. There is no reason or rational at all to justify this games pitiful existence. If you ever find this game in a store, I beg of you, please, buy it and burn it. Some things should just never have existed on Earth in the first place, and Trip to Mars is one of them.

T.I.C.